In the previous episode of Poldark, Drake love of unfunny toad pranks almost got him killed, Morwenna was forced into marrying a toe-gobbling goblin, and Doc waged a crusade against macarons and sex with his wife. Will Drake get shot at or imprisoned again, cementing his reputation as the Suge Knight of 18th-century Cornwall? Will Morwenna let her toe nails grow really long as a defense mechanism against her new husband foot fetish? Will Doc PTSD stop hogging all the screen-time so we can get a Horace the Pug storyline or two? Only one way to find out! On with the show!
We were all expecting a mournful opening scene, in the wake of Morwenna and Gross Goblin wedding, but instead Ross, Demelza, and all of their friends are twerking and dabbing up a storm to sick fiddle jams around a raging fire. Drake looks around and has a lot of feelings about everyone not giving a single you-know-what about his heartbreak. Here a sampler platter of what going on inside his brain right now:
It must be Bring Your Daughter To Work (It At The Village Rave) Day because Bone Maraca Pirate is partying it up with his greasy-haired teen daughter (someone get this girl some dry shampoo!). Little Miss Bone Maraca tries to get Sam to join her in dropping it like it hot. Sam reacts the only way he knows how:
Across town, Morwenna is trying to get out of kinky foot stuff by praying for hours with one of her new stepdaughters.
Are you there God? It me, Morwenna. Not super happy with you right now, but you can make it up to me by granting me a prosthetic leg to throw at my husband.
God responds, New phone, who dis?
Gross Goblin barges in and yells, Yo, wife! Jesus will still be up there after I finish licking between all of your toes. Now take off your socks and let get to it!
Morwenna reluctantly gets up, revealing A BABY BUMP!!!
She miserably gets into bed, dreaming up an assortment of gruesome revenge plots she’l hopefully use on Malfoy and Elizabeth soon.
In less traumatic news, Agatha is about to turn 100! (To infinity more centuries, you wonderful drunk!) The only problem is all her friends are dead and can’s come to her party. Womp!
Elsewhere, Depressed Drake has cried so much that the flood of tears have torn his shirt right off.
Now he sad and cold. Poor guy can’s catch a break!
Across town, Doc visits Malfoy Manor to check up on Valentine rickets.
Elizabeth: Should we keep giving him weird powders and loving him less because we don’s like deformed babies?
Doc: Um, what? This kid has never seen the sun. Maybe consider not leaving him in the dark crying all day?
Elizabeth: Oh, I hadn’s thought of that because I a monster.
Fast forward to Doc and Blondie we-definitely-aren’s-already-married-and-certainly-don’s-know-each-other-in-the-biblical-sense-yet wedding. For some reason, they e invited Malfoy and Elizabeth, who are in a corner plotting on sucking up to some rich dude in order to make Malfoy a member of Parliament. But said rich dude is obsessed with Ross for saving his nephew a.k.a. Doc Prison Bestie! Another L for Team Malfoy!
While Ross is off chatting about helping the poor (what else would he be chatting about?), Prison Bestie and Demelza have an almost cute exchange.
Demelza: ou’e not dancing, sir, or do you prefer observing? /h2>
Prison Bestie: used to. Since I was in France, my eyesight has declined. /p>
But his eyesight does appear to be good enough to stare thirstily at Demelza hot bod.
Later, Demelza finds Morwenna outside and asks when she due. Morwenna admits she has no idea how long pregnancies last 檆ause her mom never taught her about basic biology, and certainly never mentioned foot fetishes.
That evening, in an effort to get Ross to show that he cares, Demelza mentions how flirty Prison Bestie was with her. Judging by Ross response ( ot every man in Cornwall is besotted with you , he doesn’s.
Across town, Gross Goblin rolls off of Morwenna (ewww) and tells her he sending for her younger sister (the more feet, the merrier). This is a season of Sister Wives I can do without.
Back at Demelza place, the topic of Valentine comes up. Ross continues pretending that he didn’s have sex with Elizabeth nine exact months before Valentine was born. Demelza turns into a human side-eye emoji.
In the woods, Drake is nesting at the new house Ross gifted him by making a cast of Morwenna face. Sam sees it and says, he blessed virgin and the holy child! It do gladden the heart to see you turn to God again! Dude, there are other books in the world! Go read one of them! Try having two interests instead of one!
At Toe Jam Headquarters, Morwenna Jennifer Lawrence-lookalike sister arrives and is immediately like, Woah, your husband is disgusting! What gives? I like her already.
A few days later, Ross, Demelza, Blondie, and Doc arrive at some banker mansion for a house party. This scene feels like a public service announcement against anyone ever getting married:
Ross: can think of 100 more useful things I could be doing. /h2>
Blondie: shame, Ross. You’e becoming a misanthrope. /p>
Doc: sympathize. I no lover of company these days *Blondie glares at him* ith the exception of my wife. /p>
Demelza: ometimes Ross don’s make no exception. /h2>
Ross: f I have my way ︹€?/p>
Demelza: €hich you frequently do. /h2>
Ross: €his will be our last excursion for the foreseeable future. /p>
Yeesh! Ross and Demelza are that married couple that resent each other a great deal, but stay together or the kids. Demelza, there is another way! Leave town with Blondie to film that Thelma and Louise prequel I e been pitching all season. It is bound to be more fun than hoping your grump of a husband notices you.
Inside the party, Prison Bestie greets everyone, and this interesting exchange occurs:
Ross: re we never to be rid of you? /p>
Prison Bestie: ou’l be sorry you ever saved me. /h2>
Okay, wait a second. Prison Bestie and Demelza are totally going to bump uglies, right?! Surely that the only thing this kind of heavy-handed foreshadowing could mean. To be honest, I don’s hate the idea. Tit for tat, Ross.
The banker makes a big deal about an musement he arranged for his guests. With much fuss, servants open the doors to reveal /p>
As everyone pretends to find bowling interesting, Prison Bestie continues to flirt up a storm with Demelza. At first, she thinking, This is wrong! I married! And imagine how hard Sam would throw his Bible at my head! But then, both of them put on devilish grins, and this happens:
Prison Bestie: looms from the Garden of Eden. But where lurks Eve? /h2>
Demelza: nd where the snake? /p>
Well, Demelza, there one in his pants you’l probably meet really soon.
Outside of the party, Malfoy is told he can’s come in, but that doesn’s stop him from eavesdropping and overhearing the banker offer to prop Ross up as a nominee for Parliament. Malfoy does not take this particularly well.
In a corner of the party, Prison Bestie is still using his best pickup lines, but some of them are too fancy for Demelza:
Prison Bestie: no Leonardo, but you are surely Mona Lisa. /h2>
Demelza: € do not know these people. /p>
On second thought, maybe they won’s bone?
Across town, Jennifer Lawrence trolls Gross Goblin by taking off her shoe and mentioning how it pinches her toe. Okay, I officially need to be friends with this girl.
Back at the party, Ross declines the banker offer because he too moral or whatever. Lemme guess, this guy will now offer the nomination to Malfoy. Do no other non-evil men live in this area?
Later that night, an irate Malfoy arrives home and looks for someone to abuse. Unfortunately, Agatha is sitting right there, so Malfoy grabs the Poldark family Bible (so many Bible-driven storylines this season!) and points out that Agatha is turning 98, not 100.
Apparently, Agatha cares because she has a meltdown. Malfoy decides to torture her some more by cancelling her birthday party and refusing to give her supper. Brb, gotta travel back in time and knock all his teeth out.
But Agatha doesn’s seem to need my help. She fights fire with fire by finally letting him know that Valentine is totally not his kid!
A shocked Malfoy goes downstairs to murder Elizabeth and Valentine, but is distracted by a visit from the banker, who offers him the Parliament nomination, as expected.
Elizabeth senses from the maniacal look on Malfoy face that something is amiss. She goes upstairs and finds Agatha despairing over her party and how her home has been taken over by the antichrist and how maybe she shouldn’s have said that thing she said. Elizabeth is like, Um, what thing?! OMG, you didn’s! Tell me what thing! Agatha is over this conversation, so she closes her eyes and DIES! WHAT THE HELL!
The next day, Malfoy sends a note to Ross that goes like this:
Thought you should know I bullied your aunt to death last night. But the real reason I writing is to announce that I e been nominated to Parliament and you haven’s! Nanny nanny boo boo!
P.S. Please don’s put a toad in my pants.
Demelza calls Ross out for not taking the nomination when he had the chance and letting yet another important post be controlled by a Voldemort disciple.
Demelza: ot once have you asked my advice or harkened to my opinion, not once! /h2>
Ross: hat do you want, Demelza?! A man who will lie down, roll over, sit up, and beg for you? Well, if so, you e married the wrong man. /p>
Demelza: t would appear so. /h2>
Ross: 淧erhaps you should look elsewhere for a pet. /p>
Demelza: 淧erhaps I should Perhaps I won’s have to look too far. /h2>
The Garden of Eden snake is on his way!
Later, at the cemetery, Malfoy Slytherin cronies dump Agatha coffin in the mud and walk off.
Ross digs Agatha grave himself and vows to get revenge.
After every episode, it only right to reward characters who e impressed and diss the ones that haven’s, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. How dare you?!?
HONORABLE MENTION: Prison Bestie. Sure, trying to bed your savior wife isn’s exactly cool, but anyone who understands how Demelza should be treated is okay in my book.
BRONZE: Demelza. Anyone who puts up with this much of Ross BS deserves something shiny.
SILVER: Jennifer Lawrence. The best kind of trouble. Looking forward to whatever mischief she plans to cook up.
GOLD: Agatha. She was too good for this world. Whose playful alcoholism and cute, prolonged farts will keep us entertained now?
馃尙馃挩馃尓 #PoldarkPBS pic.twitter.com/AE37T5XsrS
Emmanuel Hapsis (@xcusemybeauty) October 8, 2017
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Poldark recaps below!
oldark Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: The One That Got Away
oldark Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: Break Free
oldark Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: Kiss the Girl
oldark Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi?
oldark Season 3 Premiere Recap: Same Old Mistakes
oldark Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn
oldark Season 2, Episode 8 Recap: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
oldark Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I In Love With A Monster
oldark Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer
oldark Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats
oldark Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim
oldark Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent
oldark Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don’s Bring Me Flowers
oldark Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark
oldark Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover
oldark Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt
oldark Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang
oldark Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin Alive
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– Kacie Kratzert
I am officially #teamprisonbestie ! Get it Demelza
So Demelza is will to risk a Hugh bun in the oven to make a point . Miner daughters are not too smart . After Ross kicks her out she can get a job at the Red Lion. I think Ross could win that duel, prisonbestie doesn’s see too well. haha Pretty sure Demelza new role as eeing eye ho won’s last too long.
Toe Jam Headquarters lol. I hope Drake doesn’s get married to someone else before the Morwenna/JL murder plot comes to fruition. I thought prison bestie was a little aggressive and inappropriate at the bowling party but he definitely the best looking thing on this show since Ross circa season 1 so I guess it alright. I still choose Ross. Even though someone should tell him to get out of his own way and stop refusing to play the game (behavior #25 https://www.amazon.com/Get-Out-Your-Own-Self-Defeating/dp/0399519904)
– Puauea G Mizokami
Your recaps give me life and the memes included slaaaaay! I also #teamprisonbestie all the way. Demelza deserves to be cherished. I hate cheaters but in this storyline, I all for a little love affair with these 2 characters.
Will Demelza be responsible for her actions and honest with Ross like she demanded of him? She going down the path of throwing away all the trust Ross has for her, and possibly her marriage. She also risking pregnancy to get a little strange. I don’s see it as a smart move unless she plans to leave Ross. Demelza will have no way of hiding her guilt of cheating.
– Puauea G Mizokami
It definitely not smart. But neither was Ross when he literally left Demelza and went straight to Elizabeth. And should we really mention the consequences of Demelza affair when it hasn’s even happened? Besides, we’e still dealing with Ross tryst 馃惛鈽?Like the article said, tit for tat. I don’s condone cheating in real life at all. But in the Cornwall world, I all for Demelza getting some well deserved love on the side 馃檶
Love the recaps but i have a bone to pick with you. Though horace is kind of cute whats up with the neglect of demelza dog, Garrick? I dont want to accuse you unfairly of dog-ism so hey at least an honorable mention to Garrick!